my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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