you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
