Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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