Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Randomize
