I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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