Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
