It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
