i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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