At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
