watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
