Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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