if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
As shirtless as possible
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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