I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
