whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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