Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
