I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
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