tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
