just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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