New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
