You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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