Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
