dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
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