Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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