I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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