Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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