We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
