How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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