no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
