I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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