Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
