just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
