Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
