Are we in a gay sports bar?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
