Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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