the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
