It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
