There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
