whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
