tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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