Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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