I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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