i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
everyone is single if you try hard enough
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
