When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
