Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
