wrigley field is MILF paradise
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
