I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
