I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
