Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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