I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
