so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
